September and school, part 1

School is nothing like you'd imagine it to be from movies. The cliques are fluid, and people rarely conform to the Mean Girls or Camp Rock stereotypes anymore. Every school has this unique spin on things socially that you have to figure out. I'd know, I've been to 3 elementary schools (one I went to twice), and I'm about to enter my third high school. Not all of these were in the same district, and I started with very few or no friends each time. That, on top of social anxiety and other annoying things kept me occupied in a sense, feeling trapped and helpless. Fun fact: I am not.

I'm sort of ambivalent about school, or rather I have two distinct feelings about it. Fear and a sort of excitement. I like learning, generally speaking. I like having friends. That said, I feel trapped by my social anxiety and the dictation of what I must learn, and the stress & time suck that is homework, tests, projects, exams, studying. I understand the benefits, but 1.5-3 hours of daily homework, plus about 6 hours of school (lunch break lasts almost an hour, and there are short breaks, but most of that is eating/ walking to and from lockers & classes, and an hour or more of transportation time leaves 14-15.5 hours to sleep, socialize, exercise, perform household chores, take care of oneself through hygiene, health appointments, romantic activities, personal projects, volunteering, and just plain doing nothing. It's not that bad, I suppose. If you take away sleep time (9-9.5 hours is what teens need according to studies), you're left with 4.5-6.5 hours for other activities during the weekday. 4 minutes to brush teeth, 1 hour to exercise, 15 minutes to shower, 2 hours to socialize, 1 hour for chores, 1 hour of volunteering, etc. It can all fit in if time gaming/ on social media/ streaming videos is cut down. Still, it's a rough adjustment from summer, especially if you hate rushing.

I've rediscovered waking up early, which makes me quite an outsider to the late sleeping teens who stay up late. I don't find it so bad, I'll be socializing with mostly adults soon, anyways. Mornings aren't the perfect, silent time for me, but they're less loud than afternoons. They're almost everything I love about nighttime: dark, quiet, cool, and non-rushed. They're surprisingly wonderful. What started as adjusting to back to school wake times led to a discovery that mornings aren't that bad, after all.

I'm going to go outside, read a little, walk a little, and disconnect for a while.

May every day be the best day of your life,

Poem: Trapped

Exhaustion in my soul
Settles into my bones.
I am trapped.
A bird in a cage,
A prisoner locked far away.
I am trapped.
Please don't let me lose myself,
I still have far to go.
This journey is long, and it takes being strong,
But it is all I know.
Will you laugh and cry with me
And love me while I'm here?
Will you respect my identity?
Or leave your friend in tears.
I'm happy that you stayed with me
And sorry I have to go.
I tell you it's for the best.
Strangulation will not be my home.
I will chase my goals without regard for your conveniences
For now I'm on my own
I'll tell you for the longest time
That this is how it goes.
Please don't cry as I leave the nest,
I thank you for your care.
Please don't cry as I leave the pack
I just need some fresh air.
It's okay to let me go
Do whatever you feel is right.
Do what makes you comfortable.
I will deal with my own might.
If I seem far away.
It's okay, it's okay.
Wait for another lovely day.
It's okay, it's okay.

Poem: A Place To Call My Own

A Place To Call My Own

My Original Poem

You walk into a room

And you're presented with two doors,

Two pictures of two different types of people

But neither is you.

What do you do?

Confusion overtakes you,

A deep pit in the bottom of your stomach.

You choose a door

Numbly, you look around.

This isn't right.

Naturally, you try the other one.

This isn't right.

What do you do?

Lost, you stare at the doors

And make a new room.

Nobody helps.

They don't care.

They tell you,

"Pick a door,"

"Pick a room."

They shove you into a room.

What are they seeing?

You keep fighting.

This is my room, my door

And a place to call my own.

My decluttering journey

It's said that teens are messy, that it's a reflection of the mess inside their brains. I can confirm that my hardest times were some of my messiest. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of the worst of it, because I was so ashamed of how my room looked.

My journey started a while back, I decluttered over and over and it was such an overwhelming task. However, it has gotten exponentially better over the past two years.

I have decluttered bags upon bags of stuff! From books to clothes to all sorts of random decorations has been decluttered from my room. It's such a free, awesome, light feeling to have it out of my care.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Decluttering

(and why I'm keeping my life much more simple in the future & taking in far less stuff)

1. I'm heading to college/ university in September 2018 and will have a much smaller space to work with.
2. Clutter stresses me out and makes it hard to concentrate fully on the task at hand.
3. I have memory issues and having less stuff makes it easier to remember what I have and where it is.
4. I want to travel more.
5. I don't want to become a hoarder, and apparently it's an easy trap to fall into.
6. I have motivation to clean others' houses, but not my own.
7. I don't want to pay my time and attention to insignificant things while the things, activities, and people important to me sit there untouched.
8. I want to feel happy and free, and contribute less to companies that rely on child labour.
9. I am forever changing, and I want my life to reflect me, not a past me, at the lowest cost possible.
10. I'm tired of the upkeep, the mess, the stress and frustration of too much.

Steps I have taken

Phase One: Constant decluttering and reorganization, but no real change.

I constantly got rid of and organized things, but there was so much stuff replacing it that, in about a few months to two years, I was back at stage one.

Phase Two: The Catalyst

The catalyst to decluttering for good was moving several hours away. There was limited room, so I only took what I thought I needed.

I decluttered a bit during the year I lived there, but when I moved back was when I started really thinking about what to get rid of again. I got rid of several garbage bags of books I didn't read, clothes I never wore/ were too small/ I didn't feel good in, and some pieces of decor that I didn't have the space to display in a non-overwhelming way.

Phase Three: The Plan

This is the phase I'm at now, the one where I ask how much I want to own, truly. Where is that 'just right' spot for me at this time?

I'm Goldilocks-ing it!

Pride was great, and other events

Flags I purchased at Pride In The Park on Saturday.

Left to right: Demisexual, Pansexual, Genderqueer, Polyamourous*

*edit: apparently this is the leather pride flag, the polyamourous one has pi on it.... I have public pictures with me waving the flag with my other ones... I accidentally displayed kink... I'm dying of embarrassment. Rip. Maybe I can exchange one?

I still had a great time, which is what matters most.

I went through a pokemon go phase recently.

Got my hair cut Tuesday

My mom gave me this cool hat

Ironic pic I took

Edgy vandalism

Ducks!

Project 333: why I think it's awesome!

What is Project 333?

tl;dr minimalist fashion challenge: dress with 33 items or less for 3 months

Why is it super awesome?

• It's temporary
• It's flexible & can match your life
• It's low/ no cost
• It teaches people about their relationship with stuff.
• It's a gateway to minimalism
• It creates space!
• It will save time in the mornings!
• & more!...

3 months may seem a bit long, but in the grand scheme of things, it's relatively short! 33 items means over 90 different outfits, depending on what assortment of clothes & accessories you choose!

When am I trying it?

I will start this challenge by October 1st, perhaps earlier.

I'm back!

Hi everyone, it's been a while... I'm now about to enter my senior year of high school this semester, in my third high school. I've moved twice, I've discovered new ideas and new things like minimalism and vegetarian & vegan lifestyles, intersectional feminism, bodyposi, and I met another person who uses they/ them pronouns in real life! All super cool things.

I've also had some not so super cool things happen: fights with my mom which escalated to the point that moving 5 hours away seemed like (and in many ways was, but in a few wasn't) my best option. I've gotten in and out of toxic relationships and bad situations, went back to therapy (again, and I'm not comfortable discussing my mental health in detail at this point in my life), met a pagan teen outside of the internet, and have taken on some 'adult' responsibilities...

I cringe at some of the language and word choices of my old posts, but overall my interests and beliefs have remained similar: I like outer space, sci fi, fantasy, alternative fashion & music, and awesome quotes. I'm a little less into fashion as a whole, and I now own a chest binder as well as some ties. I'm continuing to learn a lot about the world, myself, and how I want my life to turn out.

I still have bad days, but in the early 2010s I was in a majorly bad place for the first time with no clue how to cope and constantly had the 'I am fine, I don't need help' mantra reinforced by media, friends, etc.

My relationship with my friends and family has changed, with some for the better & others for the worse. I'm still learning and still growing. I have a lot of work to do. I'm 17 now and have barely scratched the surface.

If you're having a good day, I hope it stays that way & send my blessings if you would accept them.
If you're having a bad day, I hope it improves & send you healing and strength as well as positive vibes.
If you're not sure how you're feeling, that's alright. I hope you can figure out what you need today.

Take care, and remember your worth!

- Lyric